Nights

Seems like nights are the hardest.  That's when my mind goes down paths of despair and sadness and "why me".In the daytime, I have distractions, people, other things occupying the little areas of my mind.  Nights.  not so much.
Last night, I kept feeling the port tubing inside my chest.  If you don't know what a port is, here's some info:  http://www.uwmedicine.org/health-library/Pages/chest-port.aspx

Creepy as hell, right?  So, I feel like I can feel the tubing that's nearer to my heart.  I was feeling it A LOT last night.  They have told me over and over that they want me to call about ANYTHING.  Any changes I feel, any side effects I can't get under control, anything.  So I called.  It was almost midnight.  In about 5 minutes, a Resident called me back and told me everything was ok.  But, if I felt any pain or anything else, to call again.  I finally fell asleep.
I had a friend tell me I need to remember to advocate for myself.  Oh gosh, you have no idea what an advocator I am!  I trust the medical community but have no qualms asking questions and continuing to ask until I get answers I understand.  Like I tell couples in my class, "you might not love the answer but, you need to understand what is going on.  You have a RIGHT to understand."  No worries about advocating from this gal.

The younger boys started school this morning. I'm so glad they'll have something else to do besides sit around and watch mom be sick.  They were nervous and excited.  I looked at them with all of me and felt so very blessed. When I came home from taking them to school, the mailbox was overflowing with cards and presents.  Blessed.  That's what it's giving me.

Breathe

The clouds literally look like they are keeping time with the music.  I drink tea and cut zinnias.  I love zinnias.  so beautiful.  I find cherry tomatoes I didn't know we planted.  They're my favorite, Sweet 100s.  Orange and so sweet.  I eat one.  I mean I really eat one.  A really cool cover of Shenadoah plays.  https://youtu.be/rog4I40Heko  I breathe deeply and touch my new port.  I feel the surgical tape covering the gauze.  Breathe.  The Moulin Rouge Sunflowers blow in the wind.  Ruby digs.  The hay is flowering, purple little flowers that grow from a long green stem signalling another sign of the end of summer.  We'll need to get it cut soon.
Love fills my soul.  I send each of my men a blessing for today.  I eminate love to the world.  I breathe deeply