I got chemo today.  I'm not sure what number this is.   I don't know how many I have left.  I think I have to get this one until Jan 2019 but I could be wrong.  I think it's strange that I don't know.  I don't know not because no one has told me but because I guess I'm no longer marker the time that way.  IDK.  That's what people text, idk.  It's easy.  I like it.

Today when I was getting chemo, a woman stopped by my room and said, "you make this look easy".  I had my headphones on while listening to Tara Brach talk about radical acceptance.  She had to repeat herself.  I thanked her.  She said it seemed like I was waiting for any other appointment, I was so calm.  Resigned is more like it.  I mean really, what choice is there?  It doesn't hurt to get chemo.  There are side effects.  No so much with this one but the ones before....uffda.  But the actual chemo itself doesn't hurt.  I've long forgotten the newness of the situation.  I've long let go of even paying attention to it when it happens.  Well, prior, I pay a lot of attention.  I talk to the nurses.  I ask questions about tthem.  Today I learned that my nurse, Miranda's daughter, Bailey shows horses.  Miranda showed horses as a kid.  Bailey doesn't own a horse but helps with and shows a friend's draft horse.  Bailey really likes it and could stay at the fair 24/7.  I also learned that Miranda's mom owns guinneas, mostly because she bought 10 acres then the land next to her got developed into apartments.  To get even, Miranda's mom got guineas.  Isn't that fabulous?  If you knew guineas, you wouldl know I'm right.
I felt soooo strong and powerful and at peace today.  Well, for most of the day.  It felt amazing.  I love it when I'm "in my truth".  I feel like I project a"you have no idea" flavor.  Powerful stuff.
Now I"m tired.  It's 9:48.  I'm ready forbed.
I started a job on Monday.  I walked about 6 miles each day according to my pedometer.  Dayum.  That's a lot.  It's great.  I feel powerful and strong.  We're all adjusting to my being gone. 
Thebiggest news? 

Ina May Gaskin (look her up) moved away from The Farm (look it up).  I'm not sure why, but I suspect it's u-g-l-y but whatever.  Anyway, she is now giving talks IN HER HOME for just a FEW PEOPLE and I'M GOING JULY 28 & 29 with my friend, Kate.  Kate texted me and said she was going did I want to come.  I had to give it a little thought and work out the kinks and I'M GOING.  OMG!!!  I got a confirmation from Ina May and we had a little email exchange.  I am soooo excited!

The wisdom of Mountain Goats

https://youtu.be/d81N0_zZhEA
This is what I'm feeling today.  Love, Love, Love
"That things for love are gonna come back to you one by one."  Yup.  Family, friends, people I don't even know are sending us love.  I feel it.  I mean I REALLY feel it.

https://youtu.be/p-PwGlxbuTU

And another Mountain Goats song.  Yep!

We're walking thru

1 Down

https://youtu.be/KCBS5EtszYI

Wednesday, Sept 6, 2017
1st chemo treatment. This is how one drug is infused.  I can't remember all these names but one I do remember is:

This one.... The Red Devil.  The nurse dressed up in gown and sterile gloves and mask and administered this "hazardous drug".  the other one is infused in a drip, this one is "pushed".  I'm not sure exactly why but this is the way they do it.  I chewed ice chips the entire time and for about an hour after the 2 vials of red devil were pushed to keep mouth sores at bay.  So far, just a bit of a sore throat but no sores.  In the TMI catagory, my pee turned the same color of red (which they told me ahead of time).  Weird.  But, I hope it's getting in there and killing this shit that's taken up residence.  Lenny the Lump's gotta go. And take with him, any "friends" he might have spread around.

We sat next to each other and watched  The Price is Right.  I just love it when they spin the wheel and almost fall down!  Do they never watch the show to see that that might happen?  The IV is in my "medical port" (I'm a card carrying medical port person now....) which makes things a lot easier.  No constant poking or destroying my veins with pokes and chemo.  My Chemo Nurse said I probably won't have hair at my next treatment on 9/20.  I'm getting used to wearing hats and scarves and am seriously contemplating dying my hair blonde and cutting it ala Pink (I love her!!) before it starts coming out in clumps.  The boys and I have had lots of laughs about how much more shedding will be happening around here.  For some reason, the dogs are shedding like crazy so we think we'll be walking out the door cleaning hair off of us "oh gosh, here's some from Badger.  Here's some from Ruby.  Mom!!!  Here's a CLUMP of yours!!  We've also had lots of laughs about me drawing in my eyebrows in all kinds of crazy ways:  constantly surprised or sinister or angry.

One down.  3 more of these to go.  The road ahead is long but I am so blessed.  I have an amazing husband, 4 wonderful boys, a caring family, loads of loving friends and insurance.  I can get treatment.  I have access to the best cancer treatment hospital in the country (if not the world).  I have money so I can buy ginger gum and scarves and gatorade and comfort items.  I constantly think about those who don't have this priviledge and it makes me weep.  I am blessed.  It's another thing "it's" giving me

Don't Isolate

"I don't want you to isolate", those are words from my Oncologist, Mark Berkard.  I'm trying not to.  Of course, I haven't lost my hair yet, so that could change things I guess.

We are going out.  When you live in a small (wonderful) town in WI, the place you go is a local tavern/bar.  The one that's most special (IMHO) in my town, is the one where I work.  We went out last night while the younger 2 were at the HS football game.

Have you ever gone someplace where everybody (pretty much) knows your name?  Where at every turn people are giving you hugs and asking how you're doing and telling you they love you and they're thinking of you and they've got your back.  Well, that's what happens around here.  Every day.  How amazing is that?

https://youtu.be/MjtPBjEz-BA

"I see my life come shining from the west down to the east
Any day now, any day now, I will shall be released"

I'm just at the beginning of this very long journey.  sometimes that is really REALLY overwhelming.  There are moments when I think it's just too much.  I don't want to be a burden.  To anyone.  I'm a worker.  I get shit done.  And suddenly, I'm stopped in my tracks.  My energy level is low.  I have bouts of nauseaand fagitue.  I just feel off.  I'm on so many pills I can't even believe it.  I've never been a pill taker and here I am, living on them.  Oh well.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  One treatment at a time.  I have every confidence that THIS is NOT what is gonna take me down (not this time anyway) but, geez oh man (in the illustrious words of Barbara Kingsolver's Rachel from The Poisonwood Bible - read it!!), it's not an easy road.  I have a feeling it's gonna get worse before it gets better.

Interesting isn't it?  I have to get really really sick before I can get better....

Onward and upward.  I love you all!

Medical ports

https://youtu.be/bMXvjrMWcNQ

I had a port placed on Wed, 8/30/17.  It's a device that allows access to a vein (jugular) without having to poke me all the time.  Chemo drugs are very hard on everything including veins, I guess.  It'll be good in the long run.  I've got an incision on my chest and I guess on my neck.  2 bandages.  The put the port in the chest and run a tube through your body to the jugular and somewhere near the heart.  I felt the heart part.  Lots of pressure and pain near my heart.  ugh....I'm super sore today.  I got carsick on the way home.  Didn't vomit, just really nauseaous.  I hate that feeling.  5 days till the red devil comes into my life.  I'm nervous

Nights

Seems like nights are the hardest.  That's when my mind goes down paths of despair and sadness and "why me".In the daytime, I have distractions, people, other things occupying the little areas of my mind.  Nights.  not so much.
Last night, I kept feeling the port tubing inside my chest.  If you don't know what a port is, here's some info:  http://www.uwmedicine.org/health-library/Pages/chest-port.aspx

Creepy as hell, right?  So, I feel like I can feel the tubing that's nearer to my heart.  I was feeling it A LOT last night.  They have told me over and over that they want me to call about ANYTHING.  Any changes I feel, any side effects I can't get under control, anything.  So I called.  It was almost midnight.  In about 5 minutes, a Resident called me back and told me everything was ok.  But, if I felt any pain or anything else, to call again.  I finally fell asleep.
I had a friend tell me I need to remember to advocate for myself.  Oh gosh, you have no idea what an advocator I am!  I trust the medical community but have no qualms asking questions and continuing to ask until I get answers I understand.  Like I tell couples in my class, "you might not love the answer but, you need to understand what is going on.  You have a RIGHT to understand."  No worries about advocating from this gal.

The younger boys started school this morning. I'm so glad they'll have something else to do besides sit around and watch mom be sick.  They were nervous and excited.  I looked at them with all of me and felt so very blessed. When I came home from taking them to school, the mailbox was overflowing with cards and presents.  Blessed.  That's what it's giving me.

Breathe

The clouds literally look like they are keeping time with the music.  I drink tea and cut zinnias.  I love zinnias.  so beautiful.  I find cherry tomatoes I didn't know we planted.  They're my favorite, Sweet 100s.  Orange and so sweet.  I eat one.  I mean I really eat one.  A really cool cover of Shenadoah plays.  https://youtu.be/rog4I40Heko  I breathe deeply and touch my new port.  I feel the surgical tape covering the gauze.  Breathe.  The Moulin Rouge Sunflowers blow in the wind.  Ruby digs.  The hay is flowering, purple little flowers that grow from a long green stem signalling another sign of the end of summer.  We'll need to get it cut soon.
Love fills my soul.  I send each of my men a blessing for today.  I eminate love to the world.  I breathe deeply